A Satirical Invader’s Cookbook or 10 (Not So) Foolproof Steps for Conquering a Country

Well, wonder no more! We’ve put together a rough step-by-step guide that seems to be the playbook in use. With just the right blend of moronic, anything seems possible to the wannabe conquerors. This guide walks you through how to dive headfirst into someone else’s country—and how things (inevitably) fall apart.

If you’re ready to ignore international law, rewrite history, and bury yourself under heaps of propaganda, you’ve come to the right place. How to conquer a country? You just need ten steps:

Step 1: Choose your target

Find someone—ideally a neighbor, the smaller the better, and rich in resources for the taking. Extra points if they are neutral and have minimal defense or international sympathy. Remember, it’s not about courage; it’s about finding the path of least resistance!

Assimilate yourself with your victim—you’ll need to pretend to know them to conquer them, so put on your best act and make sure your propaganda machine is well-oiled to sell the story. You’ll need military-grade overconfidence, a pinch or ten of misinformation, and lots of imperial nostalgia.

Step 2: Create a dubious justification

Fire up the gas-lighting stove by stoking fears of nonexistent threats—neighboring forces, “traitors,” or vague foreign influences—and insist you’re the only shield against catastrophe. There’s no occupation if what you’re doing is “liberation,” wink-wink.

Gradually replace their language, symbols, and traditions with your own under the guise of cultural “enrichment.” If you manage to make your language mandatory in schools and official documents, subtly erasing the locals’ identity while presenting it as progress—chef’s kiss!

Finally, claim the country is “yours” based on centuries-old maps or “shared heritage” (even if they don’t actually recognize it), casting yourself as a “protector” on a mission to “restore” the glory days of a supposed past.

In a good recipe for disaster, assume the locals will welcome you with open arms. Ignore any signs that they’re prepared to resist or that they value their independence. Optimism (or delusion) is key here. And if it doesn’t work…

Step 3: Launch a blitzkrieg and hope for the best

Turn up the heat by sending in the troops, aiming for a quick victory—perhaps a “three-day special.” Morale stays high… until it doesn’t. When locals start fighting back, just keep pushing forward. Who needs a plan for afterward? Stick around indefinitely, and when it all goes south just double down. No way this could backfire!

When it does, remembering Step 2 might come in handy: it would explain all the Molotov Cocktails. It is when your “welcome parade” turns into a fiery street one, however, perhaps not the fiery type you were hoping for. If you’re not fireproof—oops, be prepared for a string of failures.

Step 4: Disregard logistics entirely

Food, fuel, and supplies? Don’t worry about that! Just assume your troops will “live off the land.” If they can’t find supplies, they can scavenge or take from civilians. It’s not like armies need reliable supply lines, after all.

This is where this step turns into the meat grinder: the more soldiers go to conquer, the fewer remain to require basic needs! Have a population ready to become cannon fodder for the possibility of earning up some cash, stealing a few washing machines, and indulging in violence—if they’re lucky enough to survive this “feast.”

Step 5: Install puppet governments

Once you’ve occupied some land—set up your own friendly leaders, even if they’re wildly unpopular. Remember, it doesn’t matter if they don’t represent the people—as long as they are loyal to you. Your puppet government should have one main qualification: a willingness to sell out the people for a bit of borrowed power. Hand them some shiny new titles and an office with your flag waving proudly outside. Who needs democracy when you have “stability.”

Once your puppets are in place, it's time to remake the landscape—literally. Push your currency, rewrite street signs, and make sure all official documents are in your language. Put up some statues of your own leaders for a good measure. The more things look like you’re in charge, the more the locals will feel the weight of your rule (and simmer in resentment). After all, if they’re speaking your language and using your money, they might as well accept that they’re living in your world. Even if they’re mocking it.

Step 6: Extract resources

It’s time to get down to the real work—harvesting resources. Forget about long-term sustainability, this is all about maximizing your profits now, consequences be damned. Start with the low-hanging fruit: grab whatever's valuable, even if you have to steal it from the very people you’re oppressing or it destroys ecosystems. Oil, gas, gold, homes—you name it, it’s fair game.

And if the local population dares protest? Just call it “redistribution,” because, hey, you’re doing them a “favor”—taking their stuff for the “greater good.” If they still seem to resist, enforce penalties and violence—after all, “partisan movement” just means “grateful citizens,” right?

Step 7: Ignore the economy

Sanctions? Never heard of ‘em! Brush off any potential sanctions as temporary annoyances. Keep telling everyone how your economy is “self-sufficient” even if the currency plummets and your citizens can no longer buy basic goods.

In case the sanctions have too big of a bite, get some murderous friends as well. Who cares if another brutal expansionist terrorist state has nukes you provided them—as long as they are on your side, they are of no threat to you, of course. Pinky promise.

Step 8: Brand your setbacks as “tactical withdrawals”

When things inevitably go wrong, avoid the word “retreat” at all costs. Instead, use phrases like “strategic regrouping” or “gesture of goodwill.” Anything but admitting you’re in over your head.

Tell everyone it’s all going according to plan. If anyone asks uncomfortable questions, dismiss them as “misinformed,” lacking the “big picture” vision that only true patriots (like you) can understand. The longer you can keep up appearances, the better, no matter how many “strategic advances” end up going backwards.

Step 9: Run out of options, blame external forces

When defeat looms, it’s time to deflect responsibility. Point fingers everywhere but yourself: blame foreign powers, “traitors” at home, or bad weather. Spread the notion that local uprisings are the result of “foreign-backed provocateurs” undermining your noble mission. History, logistics, “unexpected resistance”—anything but your flawless plan. You’re never the problem.

If all else fails, casually hint that these “challenges” are part of a larger conspiracy that only you are enlightened enough to recognize. Everything was both anti-you and “you-phobic.”

Step 10: Rewrite history

When your invasion strategies lead to war crime allegations, it’s time to spin, evade, or outright deny everything—anything to clean up the spills. Handling international tribunals may become messy, but with the right tactics, you can muddy the waters just enough to deflect blame. Start by discrediting witnesses and accusing investigators of bias. Label any incriminating evidence as “fabricated” or “taken out of context.” When questioned, insist that any damage was “collateral” or the result of “isolated incidents,” carefully blaming “a few rogue individuals” rather than systemic policy.

When things really fall apart, change the story. Maybe you never wanted full control—just “regional stability.” Or perhaps your goal was simply to “protect cultural ties” or offer “humanitarian aid.” This makes defeat look like part of the original plan rather than an embarrassing loss.

Now, you're all set! With these “foolproof” steps, you’re primed to kick off your conquest and make your mark on the world.

And if your own empire starts falling apart as a result… maybe invading is a bad idea after all? Well, ridiculous. Empires never fall apart… right?